I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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