I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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