i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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