Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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