if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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