Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
