I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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