My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
