hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
