3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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