It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
