When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
