I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
