i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Randomize
