just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i think i have two assholes
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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