The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
