She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
