I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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