I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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