Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
