You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
