I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
