There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
