I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
