chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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