Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
