walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
