The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
