dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
