Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
