omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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