Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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