If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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