Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
