did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We are all done wearing pants today
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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