I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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