There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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