I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
MIDGETS
????
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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