watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
