ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
