my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
