im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
