come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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