you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
