I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
