Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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