I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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