And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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