i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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