There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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