I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
