if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
