sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
