i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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