I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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