so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
