i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
