I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
