Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
