Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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