How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize