i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
