On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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