I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Such a big mess for such a small penis
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
