3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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